As an empty nester, you know your adult child is part of your life in a different way than before. When you lived together, you knew his moods, you knew his friends and a lot of the time you probably knew what he was thinking and wishing for. Sometimes you still do, even from a distance over the phone or Skype. But here are things you might not know. I’m about to expose the three secret wishes that your children, themselves, might not even know they have!
Mom, I Want to Stop Feeling Guilty About Leaving
It’s the rare adult child who can articulate this. She knows you’re unhappy and she knows it’s because she’s leaving. But what is she supposed to do about it? Well, of course, there isn’t anything she’s supposed to do about it. She is taking exactly the action she needs to take to get on with her life–growing up and becoming an independent adult. In truth, it shouldn’t be her job to feel guilty. Your job as a loving parent is to let her go graciously and with the knowledge that any upset feelings you have come from your own beliefs and expectations. Of course, some sadness is natural. It is a loss, after all. All I’m saying is that you should understand and try to convey that it is in fact, your own emotion to deal with. Your child who is leaving deserves to feel excited about living her own life, rather than guilty!
Your Adult Child Wants to See You Happy
How do you feel when someone you love isn’t happy? Isn’t it more challenging to be happy yourself? Well that’s exactly how your child feels. He loves you. If you’re happy, he can relax and not worry about trying to make you feel better or figuring out what’s wrong. He can feel excited when he sees that it’s you calling him, instead of dreading the sad voice on the other end of the line.
Be The Kind of Empty Nester Mom It’s Fun to Hang Out With
Every adult child of any age wants this, even if they can’t exactly put their finger on it. I mean, seriously, doesn’t it make life easier if you enjoy spending time with the people you care about? And of course it benefits you, the parent, as well. I always feel terrific when my kids are excited to introduce me to their friends and (now) colleagues. So how do you make this happen? The answer is simple, but not necessarily easy: be a person with your own interests who is excited about her own life.
In future posts, we’ll be talking more about how to fulfill these wishes that your adult child has. No matter his or your age, you will both be happier because really, the solutions are all about you being a fulfilled, happy and purposeful individual, who just happens to be an empty nester!
What do you think? Have you seen the evidence that your adult children have these three wishes? Or maybe you’re already on track to fulfill them. Please leave your comments below, and if you’d like to talk with me about your next step to fulfilling yourself, and as a consequence fulfilling these wishes, you can request a complimentary “From Being Mom to Being Me” strategy session with the link on this page.
And remember–
It’s your time to soar!
I so relate to this and strive to fulfill my daughters wishes. I know that she has worried about me at times. We do communicate very well which helps both of us to understand where we are at and how we are feeling. I remember once saying to my daughter, That she should leave the worrying to me and go and enjoy herself!
By the way, we have great times together and I love and get along with her partner and friends, A true blessing indeed that younger adults can enjoy hanging with me
A great share !
Communication really is the key, isn’t it? That’s why I think it’s so important to have some insight into what wishes our children have about us that they might not actually say to us directly. Then we have the opportunity to open a dialogue. Enjoy your wonderful relationship with your daughter, Julie.
Very interesting to know what the son or daughter is thinking when they leave home Dorine. Never thought of it that way. Everyone seems to be focused on the parent and how they feel. Something like when a child sets out for the first day of school…we think of how the parent is feeling and not so much the child.
Good info Dorine!
Lynn
I think you’ve highlighted something really interesting, Lynn. This is such a great example of something I do as a coach, and I expect you do, too–that is, help our clients see how their behavior affects others, because it can be such a motivator for change. Lifting a burden of worry off our children at any age is a super motivation.
I love this, Dorine! You have articulated some of the difficult issues underlying the “empty nest syndrome”. Thanks for the education!
I appreciate your comment Tricia. Like any syndrome or situation, the “empty nest syndrome” affects not just the empty nester. Like all relationships there is more than one person involved and it’s so important to look at all the players if you want to make changes.
Hi Dorine, I can definitely vouch for the truth of what you say from the kid’s side of things. I have definitely experienced guilt around my mom’s unhappiness and guilt for my mom being alone since she is without partner or kids living with her anymore. And I adore getting to spend time with her, for the exact reason you said–she has her own life and interesting passions to pursue. My mom has always been an amazing role model to me because she has never stopped learning or working on bettering herself. In fact, last night I attended her graduation from a women’s self-defense course. She is 70yo and the next oldest woman was 50! I am so proud of her and love getting to spend time with her because she is so full of life! I am so glad to see someone is helping women deal with the empty nest and using it as an opportunity to find and live their passions. And now that I’ve read your post, I realize I need to come to terms with the guilt I feel and that it’s not my fault. Thanks!
A friend sends this aidvce for college students regarding their parentsfrom The Washington Post: Ask Amy: Sophomore slump hits parents hard Published: September 4 | Updated: Monday, September 5, 12:01 AMDEAR AMY: My sister is two years older than me, so when she went away to college my parents still had me at home with them.Last year I also went away to college. I immediately became concerned about my parents. They only had two kids, my sister and me, and I knew that once we were both gone they were going to get very lonely. Last year I went home most weekends to see them.Now I’m in my second year of college, and I’ve tried to tell myself that I won’t come home as often so I can focus on studies and making strong relationships at college. However, I’m still worried about them. My dad has mentioned to me before how bored he gets at night after my mom goes to bed and he has nothing to do but watch TV on his own. Basically, when my sister and I are gone I know they only work, sleep and watch TV.I don’t know what to do. I worry that they’re bored, lonely and depressed because nobody is home. I’ve suggested many times that maybe they should get a puppy or try new hobbies, and they’ve always told me that they work so much that they don’t have the energy for a hobby.I don’t know what they’re going to do when my sister and I are actually out on our own for good. Sometimes my mom begs me to come home for the weekend.I always feel so bad and so guilty when I leave them because I know they’re going to go back to being sad. Is there anything that I can do? Sad SophomoreDEAR SAD: It is natural for you to worry about your folks. But please remember that, just as you are responsible for your own life, they must also be responsible for theirs.As long as you are running home every weekend to provide company, they won’t really have to face the reality of their lives, which is that they are going to have to make a transition and take responsibility for their own boredom. This is a tough transition, but one they have to make.Give your folks a schedule of when they can expect to see you maybe two or three times over the semester. They can look forward to these weekends, and having several weekends alone may compel them to develop strategies to deal with their empty nest.
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings on this issue Katie. It sounds like your mom is pretty amazing, and is getting on with her life and enjoying it, not sitting around blaming you! I believe that everything happens as it’s meant to happen, and you grew into your own life at the perfect time. So release the guilt you feel and don’t let it tarnish the time you have with your mom.